It's All About the Connections

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. With the deaths in my family recently, the isolation of the pandemic, and other personal occurrences that have mounted over the last couple of years, I have made time to think about purpose, hope, vulnerability, risk, control, relationships, and love. I wish I could tell you I’ve figured out all the answers, but the truth is I still don’t know all the questions to ask. What I do know is that writing helps. It gives me a connection to my own thoughts and feelings. It connects me daily to my incredible writing partners. It has given new connections with people who have cheered me on and helped me along my way. Which got me to thinking about romance as a genre.

Much ado, and rightly so, has been made recently in defense of Romance, my choice of genre. Critics have offered many points to attack the lack of literary value and consequence in Romance writing. There are numerous retorts to these arguments. I will leave all that to more eloquent writers than me—Sarah McLean is especially vocal and prolific on the subject, and I couldn’t do any better than her. There are numerous other authors who’ve penned articles and voiced podcasts to defend our genre. I don’t want to digress, but why does our genre need defending? It makes me angry that because we are women writing about love and relationships for women we feel the need to justify our abilities, our words, and our stories. Every genre, without exception, is formulaic. Every story has a beginning, middle, and end. Every story has characters, theme, setting, conflict. All of those things are part of the formula of writing. Every genre has its own specific rules that must be adhered to. Mysteries, paranormal, even literary fiction all have pieces and parts that must be included to make the story fit into that genre. Romance is no different. But what does make us different is that we write about something hugely innate and terribly personal—connections between people.

In particular, Romance deals with connections between lovers and partners, those who want to build a lasting relationship known as the “Happily Ever After” or HEA. We get to see inside a relationship, to see how they come together, how they learn to communicate with each other, how they learn to build a life together. That is deeply personal and intimate. We may see bits of ourselves or our partners in the characters we read about. We become invested in them because they’re like us or like someone we know. They help us to understand the human condition and the need for love in our lives—not just romantic love, but the love of friends, family, colleagues, and others who cross our paths. Just like the characters in the novels we love, we turn to friends and family to help us navigate the storms and conundrums of life. The connections we have with these important people in our lives are every bit as significant and necessary to us as the connections with our partners.

As I try to mourn the losses in my family and the connections they provided, I have become more attuned to other connections in my life. I am missing the connections to my past and my family that no longer exist because these people are gone. Who am I now without them? My friends provide a connection to my current self, and that I cannot see them physically because of the pandemic, heightens my loss of their continued presence in my life. I need the connection, the love, they provide. My husband and I have been working to re-energize our relationship. After thirty years of marriage the pandemic brought us into close proximity in a way we have not been for many years. It’s caused us to look into ourselves as a couple and talk about who we are together, where we want to go, and how we want to get there. Maybe this is also intensified because I have recently retired and we are empty-nesters. I hear it happens. But we recognize that the connection between us, which has always been strong, has been tested and strained because of the stresses of everyday life—illnesses, deaths, job losses, job stress, children’s issues, etc. We need to work on reestablishing the connection between us.

And that’s what Romance does. It gives us connection between people and lovers. It gives us a model for what positive relationships can be like. It gives us insight into unfulfilling relationships that we maybe couldn’t see otherwise. It allows us to see our own strengths and champion our own purpose as much as it allows us to see our faults and foibles. It gives us hope that the connections with the people in our lives will sustain us through the hard times and celebrate us during the exciting times. While Romance is about the connection between two lovers, they rarely get there on their own. Others help them along the way by cheering them on, offering guidance, counsel, and support, and even challenging their beliefs and assumptions when necessary. The connection between the lovers offers a deep look at what makes a relationship work and what is necessary to sustain that love. It doesn’t happen on its own. Romance, no matter the sub-genre, gives us universal truths about love, connection, and living together. What a poor world this would be if we didn’t have these uplifting stories to cheer us on, to recognize ourselves, and to give us hope. We need to see the importance of love and happiness in our lives. Because without them we become lost and hollow. It’s all about the connections.